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Pick Up Advice For Men March 18, 2017

In our free dating advice today we will talk about congruence and how it goes hand in hand with the ability to exude confidence.

Congruence in this circumstance pertains to showing a consistent internal essence. What does that mean, you may ask? Well, the crux of this idea lies in the fact that women have an amazing BS detector. You have to understand, women will get hit on by hundreds of men daily, whether it be at work, a bar or just going to the laundromat. Of course men being men will, in an attempt to separate themselves from other potential suitors, will hyperbolize or fabricate matters about themselves in an attempt to gain the interest of the female they are trying to woo.

Therefore it is important that a man remains consistent with what he is building up about himself while trying to pick up a female. For example, if you pretend that you are wealthy and powerful, a woman will expect you to act with confidence and will expect you to play hard to get. Women need to make snap judgments to evaluate the credibility of whatever story you are trying to spin. Women believe that you will have a hard time being convincing if you try to fake having certain qualities that don’t fall in with what you try to tell them about yourself.

For example, let’s pretend that you tell a female that you are an up and coming agent representing movies stars. You are guaranteed to impress the woman you are hitting on. Of course, she would expect you to be extremely confident, for your phone to have a huge amount of contacts with some of them being movie stars, great communication, etc. If, on the other hand, you started acting nervous, seemed scared to make any aggressive moves, and were cheap, you would most likely set off a woman’s BS detector as this would not be congruent with the story you are telling her. This is true of all women, but it seems especially true of escorts, as they’ve dealt with men of all levels of power and wealth.

The fact of the matter is, women generally will go about taking the process in reverse. They already understand that fact that a man who is showing confidence, showing signs of dominance, and has charisma is a man who probably is successful, has a huge member, is great in bed, or has some other quality that is attractive to a multiple women. Thus women are on the lookout for a man who can display these congruent qualities.

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Even escorts and call girls look for confidence in a man. Sure, they’re willing to hook up with any guy who has the required amount of money. But that doesn’t mean even an escort isn’t keeping an eye out for the right guy — the guy that can take her off the street and set her up to live a more respectable lifestyle. I once knew a girl from the Atlanta Babe Finder escort service who talked incessantly about doing just that. I went out on a lot of dates with her (including real dates in Atlanta, not just sex dates) so I got to know her pretty well.

Now let’s continue with my free dating advice and speak a bit about confidence. A man who is confident in himself and his abilities is basically letting the world know that not only does he believe in himself but believes that he is good at whatever he is showing his confidence towards. Let’s be honest, if you’ve never played a game of golf, and then someone makes you a bet as to whether you can sink a shot, you’ll most likely show a lack of confidence.

However, if someone were to ask you to recite the ABC’s, I’m quite sure you’d be beaming with confidence like a rock star unless you never made it passed the first grade. This is the type of confidence you want to try and exude when you are around women. When a woman sees you exhibiting that type of confident behavior, it’ll make her feel good about being near you. She’ll feel safe with you and that anything can be achieved by being with you. She will assume that you can make the best of any situation and handle whatever wrench life might try to throw at you. This is why body language is so important.

Let’s take a look at relaxed shoulders. There is nothing that’s specifically attractive about someone that has relaxed shoulders over someone who appears tense. However, the message you are conveying is very different. By having relaxed shoulders, you appear to be comfortable and appear secure in the situation that you are in. A man with tense shoulders will give off the impression that they are insecure, feel threatened and are on edge. Of course this then goes back to leading to confidence which conveys strength, stature and a strong position in life, all of which conform to congruence which of course is then how you land a woman.

You can read more on this topic at this page and in this article.

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How The Rules of Sex Have Changed February 14, 2016

A couple of data points recently have led to me to contemplate what I know about sex and the differences between men and women. Let’s see if any of this sounds familiar.

First, I picked up a book in the library yesterday called Kiss and Tell, New Secrets to Women’s Sexual Desire. I jumped quickly to the cliff notes section and I read something I had suspected but could now confirm. There wasn’t data given, or study cited, but the message was very clear. Men (testosterone driven) crave sex all the time, it’s part of our animal. Women (0.10 of the testosterone) don’t crave sex in the same way, and often require much more enticement to even think about sex.

Rules of Sex

Rules of Sex

Okay, so that’s not all that new, but this next part was the confirmation I had experienced in my first two marriages. During courtship it is important to get to know your partners level of desire. See, in the early phases of a relationship a woman’s libido and testosterone levels are boosted by the novelty and excitement of sex.

After several months in a relationship, assuming monogamy, the woman’s sexual desire levels falls back to her normal level. The advice, from this woman, and woman’s sexuality expert, was to figure that out early. If the two levels of desire are wildly out of sync there might be a problem as the routine of sex becomes more predictable.

It’s no mystery that women desire sex too. But what was news (at least confirmed my thinking) was that during the initial blush of a relationship your partner may exhibit sexual tendencies and enthusiasm that is not in line with her normal levels of arousal and desire. And according to this expert, the range of normal sexual desire ranges from once a month, to once a week, to once a day. All of them being considered different but normal. No wonder the online dating questions about your sexual desire and frequency are so interesting, and HELLO: IMPORTANT.

Second, today I read a column in Dear Abby about a woman talking about her husband’s obsession with frequency of sex. Her mate of 30 years liked to track their sex on a spreadsheet and aim for 100 times a year. “Last year, we only had sex 72 times and he was upset.” Holy cow! 72 times a year is A LOT. About what I would LIKE, but expect? No way. And Abby responded quite simply, he should stop acting like a college kid making marks on his bedpost and consider the Quality of the sex and not just the frequency.

This got me to thinking about the discrepancy in my second marriage that began to show up more dramatically after our second child was born. See, before our daughter, we were trying to another kid. The sex was wet, spontaneous, and playful. She had a bit more purpose and calculation that I did, but it was great. For some GOAL, her libido had risen to match the task.

Things started taking a nose dive at some point after our second child was born. It appeared that a comfortable frequency for my then-wife would’ve been once or twice a month. But letting a few months go by without accepting my offers of a massage or straight out asking to make love, seemed like no problem to her. I tried to be a good sport and roll with it. But it was hard to make due with my hands and porn when I was sleeping next to a woman who I adored.

A few years after my daughter was born I got a vasectomy. It seemed like a good thing to do, and I imagined we were both hopeful that it might provide some juice to our love-making attempts. Certainly not having to worry about protection was a big incentive.

And a funny thing happened that surprised both of us, and reminded me today of the Dear Abby column. You see, when you have a vasectomy, the prescription is to have 45 ejaculations before coming back to the doctor’s office to get tested for swimmers.

Somehow the GOAL, really inspired my then-wife. It was like checking boxes on a spreadsheet or getting A’s on a test. We had sex all over the place. And it was occasionally just about getting me off, and getting another gold star for the week. Fine with me. We reached the goal and suddenly we were able to have unprotected sex again. And things were HOT HOT HOT. For about a week. I’m not kidding.

We never recovered our sexual sync. And it wasn’t too much later that things started to go off the rails on deeper issues. But I think it was indicated by my then-wife’s return to an almost frigid libido. Again, I found myself making love alone rather than to a woman who I adored and found to be my sexual ideal, in all except desire or frequency.

Keeping sexual communication open throughout the entire relationship is critical. As one partner starts closing off, and not just having periods of low sexual desire, but shutting down the idea of sex, something is going to breakdown. And it’s either going to be your relationship or your relationship to sex and how you connect with each other.

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Hands On Sex Therapy January 24, 2016

Dr Petra Boynton has written a fascinating article on sex surrogacy, the controversial practice of using ‘hands on’ tutoring as part of therapy for sexual disorders.

Sex therapy‘ is an umbrella term for a number of established psychological and behavioral treatments for sexual difficulties. Most commonly, it involves a therapist working with a couple to discuss the problem, work out what might be going wrong, and then asking the couple to try a number of approaches to improve their relationship, communication and lovemaking.

Sex Therapy

Sex Therapy

These three approaches are key as, despite what the drug adverts might imply, many sexual problems arise from anxiety, mismatched expectations, and unhelpful learnt responses, rather than simply physical problems with the sexual organs. This can be true for a wide range of problems, including erectile dysfunction (not being able to get or keep it up), vaginismus (where the muscles of the vagina involuntarily tighten to prevent penetration), early or absent orgasm, or loss or lack of sexual interest.

A common approach is to initially ask the couple not to have sex and simply focus on touching and intimacy (an approach known as sensate focus). This takes the pressure off, reduces anxiety, and once the couple start feeling more connected, therapy focuses on introducing sexual activities or exercises for the couple to try at home to help deal with the remaining difficulties.

Similarly, the therapist might ask the couple to try new ways of communication, and consider how they understand their partner, both sexually and in everyday life. You’ll notice this is very couples focused, as is most sex therapy, potentially limiting the options for someone whose sexual problems are preventing them from getting a partner.

One option is to use a ‘sex surrogate’, someone who is employed by the sex therapist to practice sexual exercises with the patient. It was pioneered in the UK by the now retired therapist Dr Martin Cole, who became a controversial figure in the 60s and 70s media for advocating, even at the time, quiet radical views on sexual freedom and treatment.

His clinic provided, among a range of other treatment and advice services, sex therapy using surrogates and even managed to get public money for his clinical work. Surrogate therapy is rarely used in mainstream clinics these days, largely because of the difficulty of getting competent and responsible surrogates, getting suitable referrals, and dealing with the ethical dilemmas and media interest. However, surrogate therapy is still being researched and has been found to be effective in limited trials. In the case of a couple where the man was frequently using the services of Houston, Texas escorts hired through, this treatment did in fact have positive results.

For example, a study published earlier this year in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found surrogate therapy was significantly more effective than couples therapy alone in treating vaginismus. Nevertheless, the use of surrogates in sex therapy has received very little attention from researchers, and is poorly regulated, meaning its not clear how effective involving a surrogate in therapy might be.

Visit Dallas discusses the state of modern surrogate therapy, what’s involved, and gives some advice if you’ve considered it as an option. It’s probably worth remembering that many sexual problems can be successfully treated on the NHS where you’ll get therapy from qualified and experienced psychologists and psychotherapists who don’t use surrogates, so it’s always worth inquiring with your local services. For private therapy, it’s always worth checking that the person is fully qualified and accredited by recognized national associations.

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How Women’s Magazines Get It Wrong On Gender Roles January 7, 2016

For college-aged women, magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour claim to be the ultimate source for information on sex and romantic relationships. And such magazines are incredibly effective in reaching their target audience – over “60% of college-aged women read at least one issue per month”. While even a cursory glance at Cosmopolitan reveals its articles to support a model of sexuality that is exclusively heterosexual and based in notions about “natural” differences between men’s and women’s romantic and sexual preferences, it is important to consider the ways in which readers interact with the models of sexuality presented in women’s magazines.

The tools readers have to critically assess these concepts are determined by the ways in which these magazines frame information for their readers. Women’s magazines present monogamous, long-term relationships with men as the ultimate goal for women, but draw on pseudo-scientific sources, including online surveys and so-called “sex experts,” for their advice about sexuality. They present men as a homogeneous group whose motivations are indecipherable to women without the advice presented in magazines.

Though readers may be critical of the material presented in women’s magazines, it is difficult to be confident in those critiques when the information is attributed to experts. This process promotes the consumption of magazines to improve sexual and romantic relationships, rather than encouraging interpersonal communication to address problems.

Women and Gender Roles

Women and Gender Roles

The foundation for magazines’ narrow definition of romantic relationships is the prevailing presentation of gender as a binary and of the behaviors associated with the two genders as biological qualities. As Leonore Tiefer notes, the description of men’s and women’s sexual and romantic behaviors as “natural” is a rhetorical strategy, that “gives whatever is being discussed solidity and validity,” in part by presenting it as in “contrast with culture, as if anything human-made can be the result of trickery”.

An article from the August 2012 issue of Cosmopolitan entitled “Why Are We So into Heroes?” highlights this approach, informing the reader that heroic feats by men should be attractive to her because “every woman is inherently drawn to men who can protect and provide for her and her future babies”.

The article even concludes with the declaration that “culture is no match for human biology” in determining desirable qualities in a partner. Associating certain behaviors with one of two socially constructed genders and then explaining those differences as based in nature perpetuates dominant romantic and sexual scripts, particularly the stereotypical notions of men as aggressive and sex-focused and women as passive and relationship-oriented. This view is also expressed in the “Why Are We So into Heroes?” article, which claims men are “biologically compelled to be the leading man” and paints women as interested in men for their relationship and reproductive potential. This is why men are more likely to watch virtual reality VR Sex Directory porn apps and also buy and download porn apps from a mobile app marketplace.

Such an approach is problematic not only for the rigid gender roles it promotes (contributing to the already dangerous social environment for those who defy those standards), but also for the distance it creates between heterosexual men and women, leading women to believe that men are by nature different and that their motivations are unknowable without the aid of scientific research.

Women’s magazines draw on the notions that men are biologically “sex-focused and out of control” (Kim and Ward 2004:50) and that women find men to be “the underlying source of fulfillment, security, and happiness” in order to encourage women to pursue a long-term, heterosexual, and monogamous relationship above all other romantic or sexual experiences. It is in the interest of women’s magazines to present this type of relationship as the natural inclination and ultimate goal of all women because advice on monogamous relationships is exactly what they dispense. Articles in women’s magazines draw on broad notions of “what men want” to present their readers with models for behavior designed to attract and keep a boyfriend.

Articles like “What Men Think,” from Glamour’s August 2012 issue and purport to identify the qualities that all men want in a woman, enabling the reader to mold herself to those standards. These pieces draw on testimony from men, whether purely anecdotal or based on polls conducted by the magazine, to make statements like “guys spend a lot of time day-dreaming about women’s bodies” and “Seventy-eight percent of the men Glamour polled said that they would rather date a slightly overweight woman with confidence than a supermodel who hates her body”.

Men’s opinions are used to present a single idea of what men want in women, and their esteemed status as a source of advice only promotes the idea that a woman’s appearance and behavior is ultimately intended for a heterosexual male audience. While it is important to consider that the prevalence of such ideas in women’s magazines does not mean that they are “‘automatically’ absorbed by the readers”, a study by George Bielay and Edward S. Herold on the use of magazines as a source for sexual information found something interesting.

Advice on “improving one’s sex life” and “what men like/want sexually” were the most common types of information women sought from magazines, indicating that readers do turn to these magazines to supplement their supposedly lacking knowledge. More information on sex roles can be found here and in this article.

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